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LEO: I get it. How many are there? 
JOSH: We don’t know.   
LEO: What time, exactly, did they leave? 
JOSH: We don’t know.   
LEO: Do we know when they get here? 
JOSH: No.   
LEO: True or False: If I were to stand on high ground in Key West with a good pair of binoculars, I would be as informed as I am right now. 
JOSH: That’s true.   
LEO: The intelligence budget’s money well spent, isn’t it?  
(talking about the refugees arriving on a small boat)

LEO: He’s a klutz, Mrs. Landingham. Your President’s a geek. 

LEO: Margaret. Please call the editor of the New York Times crossword and tell him that ‘Khaddafi’ is spelled with an h, and two d’s, and isn’t a seven letter word for anything.   
MARGARET: Is this for real? Or is this just funny? 
LEO: Apparently, it’s neither. 

C.J.: Is there anything I can say, other than the president rode his bicycle into a tree? 
LEO: He hopes never to do it again. 
C.J.: Seriously. They’re laughing pretty hard.   
LEO: He rode his bicycle into a tree.
C.J.: What do you want me to -- 
LEO: The President, while riding a bicycle on his vacation in Jackson Hole, came to a sudden arboreal stop -- What do you want from me?   
C.J.: A little love, Leo. 


TOBY: What to do when the Nina, the Pinta, and the Get-Me-The-Hell-Outta-Here hit Miami. 


TOBY: I agree with Josh. And I agree with C.J.. And I agree with Sam. And you know how that makes me crazy. 


JOSH: Lady, the God you pray to is too busy being indicted for tax fraud. 


DONNA: You won that election for him. You, and Leo, and C.J., and Sam. 
(talking to Josh about why the President shouldn't fire him)


TOBY: Donna brought you coffee? 
DONNA: Shut up. 


LEO: (on the phone) Seventeen across. Yes. Seventeen across is wrong. You’re spelling his name wrong. What’s my name? My name doesn’t matter. I’m just an ordinary citizen who relies on the Times crossword for stimulation. And I’m telling you that I’ve met with the man twice, and I’ve recommended a preemptive Exocet Missile attack against his airforce. So, I think I know how to--   
C.J.: Leo! 
LEO: They hang up on me. Every time.   
C.J.: That’s almost hard to believe. 


MALLORY: Hi. 
SAM: How ya doin’?   
MALLORY: I’m sorry to be rude, but are you a moron?   
SAM: In this particular area, yes. 
MALLORY: The 18th president was Ulysses S. Grant, and the Roosevelt Room was named for Theodore. 
SAM: Really? 
MALLORY: There’s like a six-foot painting on the wall of Teddy Roosevelt.   
SAM: I should’ve put two and two together.   
MALLORY: Yes. 
SAM: Look, the thing is, while there are really a great many things I can speak with authority, I’m not good at talking about the White House.   
MALLORY: You’re the White House Deputy Communications Director and you’re not good at talking about the White House?   
SAM: Ironic, isn’t it?   
MALLORY: I don’t believe this--   
SAM: Wait a minute. Wait. Please. Could you do me favor? Could you tell me which one of those kids is Leo McGarry’s daughter?   
MALLORY: Why? 
SAM: Well, if I could make eye contact with her, make her laugh, you know, just see that she has a good time, it might go a long way toward making my life easier. 
MALLORY: These children worked hard. All of them. And I’m not inclined at this moment to make your life easier.   
SAM: Ms. O’Brian, I understand your feelings, but please believe me when I tell you that I’m a nice guy having a bad day. I just found out the Times is publishing a poll that says a considerable portion of Americans feel that the White House has lost energy and focus. A perception that’s not likely to be altered by the video footage of the President riding his bicycle into a tree. As we speak, the Coast Guard are fishing Cubans out of the Atlantic Ocean while the Governor of Florida wants to blockade the Port of Miami. A good friend of mine’s about to get fired for going on television and making sense, and it turns out I accidentally slept with a prostitute last night. Now. Would you please, in the name of compassion, tell me which one of those kids is my boss’s daughter.   
MALLORY: That would be me. 
SAM: You. 
MALLORY: Yes. 
SAM: Leo’s daughter’s fourth grade class.   
MALLORY: Yes. 
SAM: Well, this is bad on so many levels. 


C.J.: They want you to say something arrogant. 
JOSH: I don’t need baiting for that. 

BARTLET: Abbey told me to not drive while I was upset and she was right. She was right yesterday when she told me not to get on that damn bicycle while I was upset, but I did it anyway, and I guess I was just about as angry as I’ve ever been in my life. It seems my granddaughter, Annie, had given an interview in one of the teen magazines. And somewhere between movie stars and make-up tips, she talked about her feelings on a woman’s right to choose. Now Annie, all of 12, has always been precocious, but she’s got a good head on her shoulders and I like it when she uses it, so I couldn’t understand it when her mother called me in tears yesterday. I said, "Elizabeth, what’s wrong?" She said, "It’s Annie." Now I love my family and I’ve read my bible from cover to cover so I want you to tell me, from what part of the Holy Scripture do you suppose the Lambs of God drew their Divine inspiration when they sent my 12 year-old granddaughter a Raggedy Ann doll with a knife stuck through its throat? (pause) You’ll denounce these people, Al. You’ll do it publicly. And until you do, you can all get your fat asses out of my White House. 

 

 

JOSH: Victory is mine! Victory is mine! Great day in the morning people. Victory is mine!   
DONNA: Good morning, Josh. 
JOSH: I drink from the keg of glory, Donna. Bring me the finest muffins and bagels in all the land. 
DONNA: It’s gonna be an unbearable day. 


TOBY: Mrs. Landingham, does the president have free time this morning? 
MRS. LANDINGHAM: The president has nothing but free time, Toby. Right now he’s in the residence eating Cheerios and enjoying Regis and Kathie Lee. Should I get him for you?   
TOBY: Sarcasm’s a disturbing thing coming from a woman of your age, Mrs. Landingham.   
MRS. LANDINGHAM: What age would that be, Toby? 
TOBY: Late twenties?   
MRS. LANDINGHAM: Atta boy. 
TOBY: Can I have a cookie?   
MRS. LANDINGHAM: No. 


BARTLET: C.J., on your tombstone, it’s gonna read, “Post hoc, ergo propter hoc.”   
C.J.: Okay, but none of my visitors are going to be able to understand my tombstone. 
BARTLET: Twenty-seven lawyers in the room, anybody know “post hoc, ergo propter hoc?” Josh?   
JOSH: Uh...uh...post, after, after hoc, ergo, therefore, after hoc, therefore, something else hoc. 
BARTLET: Thank you. Next? 
JOSH: Uh, if I’d gotten more credit on the 443...   
BARTLE: Leo? 
LEO: After it, therefore because of it. 
BARTLET: After it, therefore because of it. It means one thing follows the other, therefore it was caused by the other, but it’s not always true. In fact, it’s hardly ever true. We did not lose Texas because of the hat joke. Do you know when we lost Texas?   
C.J.: When you learned to speak Latin? 


SAM: No, I didn’t reveal my secret identity, Josh. 


JOSH: Yes?   
DONNA: You’re with the energy secretary in five minutes.   
JOSH: Thanks. 
DONNA: What’s going on?   
JOSH: Nothing.
DONNA: Really? 
JOSH: Yes. 
DONNA: You’re lying?   
JOSH: Yes. 
DONNA: So I should get out? 
JOSH: Yes. 


MORRIS: It’s a flu shot.   
BARTLET: I don’t need a flu shot.   
MORRIS: You do need a flu shot. 
BARTLET: How do I know this isn’t the start of a military coup?   
MORRIS: Sir? 
BARTLET: I want the Secret Service in here right away. 
MORRIS: In the event of a military coup, sir, what makes you think the Secret Service is gonna be on your side? 
BARTLET: Now that’s a thought that’s gonna fester. 


SAM: About a week ago, I accidentally slept with a prostitute. 
TOBY: Really? 
SAM: Yes. 
TOBY: You accidentally slept with a prostitute? 
SAM: Call girl. 
TOBY: Accidentally? 
SAM: Yes. 
TOBY: I don’t understand. Did you trip over something? 


JOSH: I’m getting mugged and you’re the gang leader.   
LEO: Can you think of a single reason not to use Mandy that isn’t personal?   
JOSH: Sure. 
LEO: What? 
JOSH: She used to be my girlfriend! 
LEO: That’s good enough for me. Let’s do it. 

BARTLET: I am not frightened. I’m gonna blow them off the face of the earth with the fury of God’s own thunder. Get the commanders. 

 

 

 

 

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