[Flashback to the Past: In his office.]

(Josh is in his office when CJ appears at his doorway.)

Josh: Yeah.

C.J.: Josh.

Josh: What the hell happened?

C.J.: I had woot canaw.

Josh: What happened to your cheeks?

C.J.: I had woot canaw.

Josh: Why are you talking like that?

C.J. (louder): I had woot canaw!

Josh: Yeah, I heard ya the first time, I was just amusing myself.

C.J.: I can suggest some othew things you can do wiff yourseff.

Josh: Are you in pain?

C.J. (shouts): I had woot canaw! 

Josh: You're gonna need to stop saying that, 'cause you just look and sound so ridiculous.

(Josh leaves his office and CJ follows him)

C.J.: I have to cancew the bwiefing.

Josh: You can't cancel the briefing.

C.J.: Wook at me.

Josh: You'll be great.

C.J.: I can't do the bwiefing.

Josh: Why not?

C.J.: I can't ewen say bwiefing.

Josh: You can't cancel the briefing, C.J. You gotta wrap up O'Leary, ya gotta move 'em back to the bill signing.

C.J.: Yoshua!

Josh: Sorry, did... did you just say my name?

C.J.: You weally think I can do it?

Josh: Don't be insane, C.J. You're not going to a press briefing looking like Bullwinkle.

C.J.: Oh, so once again you'we just hawing a wittle fun!

Josh: Yeah.

C.J.: Ha ha ha ha ha.

(They go back to Josh's office)

Josh: When can you take the cotton out?

C.J.: Two houws. I'w have Cawal cancew the bwiefing.

Josh: No, we're still doing it.

C.J.: Who?

Josh: Me.

C.J.: No way!

Josh: C.J.

C.J.: You get howstiwle.

Josh: I get... hot stuff?

C.J.: howstiwle, howstiwle. You get howstiwle!

Josh: I don't get hostile! I don't get randomly hostile, I get hostile when hostility's called for.

C.J.: Wet Sam do it.

Josh: Sam went to Foggy Bottom.

C.J.: What's he doing in Fwoggy Bowtem?

Josh (laughing): I just wanted to see if I could make you say "Foggy Bottom." Sam's working with the speechwriters.

C.J.: Toby?

Josh: Toby's with Leo and the President.

C.J.: Josh...

Josh (pulls on his jacket and heads towards the briefing room: Hey there cats and kittens. This is Josh Lyman coming at ya with your two o'clock briefing!

C.J.: Josh, pwease be vewy cawefuw. Twy vewy, vewy hawd not to destwoy us.

Josh: You shouldn't say that C.J., you've got a great body. Here we go. Woo!

(The briefing room, Carol is talking to the press when Josh arrives.)

Carol: Please take your seats, we'll start the briefing. Please take your seats.

Danny: Josh.

Josh: Hey, Danny.

Danny: You're not gonna do this?

Josh: Do the briefing?

Danny: You're not gonna do this.

Josh: I talk to reporters all the time.

Danny: You really don't want to do this.

Josh: Let me tell you something, mi compadre. You guys have been coddled. I'm not your girlfriend, I'm not your camp counselor, and I'm not you sixth grade teacher you had a crush on. I'm a graduate of Harvard and Yale and I belief that my powers of debate can rise to meet the Socratic wonder that is the White House Press Corps.

(Josh heads to the podium as Danny looks on in amusement)

Danny: Okey-dokey.

Josh: Good afternoon, everybody. Would ya take your seats. Uh, C.J. has a dental emergency, so I'll handle the briefing today.

* * * * *

[Cut to the Present: In the lecture hall.]

Josh: I'd like to say a couple things in my own defense. First of all, everything was fine. I dispensed of the Deborah O'Leary matter with ease and poise. I opened the room up to questions while imposing a discipline I felt had been lacking in C.J.'s briefings.

* * * * *

[Back to the Past, where Josh is at the podium in the Press Room.]

Josh: I'm gonna take one question a piece.

Mike: Josh.

Josh: Mike.

Mike: When was the last time the President has a cigarette?

Josh: Mike, ya sure you want your one question to be that stupid?

Katie: It's not a stupid question, Josh.

[Cut to C.J. in her office. C.J.: Oh my God.]

Katie: If the President's going to continue to be so adamantly anti-tobacco, why is it unreasonable to ask if he's a smoker?

Josh: The President quit smoking years ago.

Katie: He bummed a cigarette from me on Air Force One two days ago.

Josh: Well, then, uh... Jonathan.

Jonathan: So, you're not gonna answer Katie's question?

Josh: I'll look into it. Danny?

Danny: Josh. Your comments were that the continuing drop in unemployment will create increased pressure on wages. In effect, driving 'em up. Is the President worried that this could lead to a resurgence of inflation?

Josh: Let me emphasize the President is pleased that unemployment has dropped another point five percent as a result--

Danny: I'm sure we all join the President in his joy, but I'm wondering if the President has a plan to fight the resulting inflation.

Josh: The President will do everything in his power to maintain the robust economy that has created millions of new jobs, improved productivity and kept a lid on inflation.

Katie: But he has no plan to address inflation specifically?

Josh: Twenty four PhD's and a Counsel of Economy Advisors, Katie. They have a plan to fight inflation.

Danny: Is the reason you won't tell us about it that it's a secret?

Josh, sarcastically: Yeah, Danny. We have a secret inflation plan.

[Cut to C.J., who is cringing. C.J.: Oh my God!]

* * * * *

[Cut to the Present: In the lecture hall.]

Josh: Danny Kincannon had thrown me a knuckle ball in the dirt which I'd taken a big swing at and - just like that - the President had a secret plan to fight inflation.

* * * * *

[Previous afternoon: Josh is still in the Press Room, answering questions.]

Reporter #1: Josh, when will the President unveil his secret plan?

Josh: There is no secret plan!

Reporter #2: You said--

Josh, laughs: I was talking to Danny. I was kidding!

Reporter #3: These are people's jobs we're talking about, Josh. You wanna give us a straight answer?

Josh (getting flustered): I honestly can't remember the question.

[Cut to C.J., who groans and takes some pain killers.]

Reporter #3: Given the reduction in unemployment, does the President have a plan to fight the ensuing inflation?

Reporter #4: And if so, why is he keeping it a secret?

(Josh looks confused and out-of-sorts as Danny smiles triumphantly.)

(Carol is standing at the door of the press room, holding it open for Josh and gives him a dirty look, while Donna rushes up to him, latching on to his arm as he walks dazedly down the hall.)

Donna: Oh my God, Josh. I mean, oh my God!

Josh: I can fix this.

Donna: How?

Josh: I can fix this.

Donna: I don't think you can.

Josh, yelling: This'd be a great time to feel a little support from you, Donna.

Donna: You have my support, Josh.

Josh: Do I?

Donna: Yes.

Josh: Okay, good, that's a start. Tell me what you think I should do right now.

Donna: Go into your office and come up with a secret plan to fight inflation.

Josh, turns to her, yelling at her: That's support!

C.J., from her position at Josh's office door, yelling: Joshua!

Josh: Yeah, that's the face I wanted to see right now.

C.J.: What the heww happened in thewe?

Josh: C.J.--

C.J.: You compwetewy impwoded!

(They all go into Josh's office.)

Josh, walking behind his desk: What'd I do?

Donna, translating for CJ: You completely imploded.

Josh: I wouldn't say completely.

C.J.: You wewe vague, you wewe howstiwe, you wewe bewwigewant!

Donna, translating for CJ: Belligerent.

C.J.: You know what it's gonna take fow me to fix this?

Josh: I'm gonna fix this.

C.J.: No, you'we not. You awe not evew awwowed in my pwess woom again!

Josh: Donna, call up Toby's office and see if he was watching.

(Donna starts to leave)

Toby, from somewhere outside the office: Where the hell is he?

Josh, to Donna, who grimaces at him in sympathy: Never mind. (Donna leaves, and he turns to CJ) Support me on this.

C.J.: No.

Josh: Thanks.

(Toby arrives)

Josh: Toby--

Toby: Have you fallen on your head?

Josh: Listen--

Toby: Have you fallen down and hit your head on something hard?

Josh: I feel really bad about this.

Toby: You do?

Josh: Yes.

Toby: Oh, well then I guess that's all that really matters.

Josh: Hey!

Toby: That was some very good television, Josh, and I think four network news directors will bear me out on that tonight.

Josh: I really think this isn't as bad as you're making it out to be.

C.J.: A secwet pwan to fight infwation!

Toby: Okay, C.J., for a little while you're gonna have to write it down.

(Sam bursts in from the side door.)

Sam: We have a problem.

Toby: No kidding!

Sam: Not Josh.

Josh: Praise God.

Sam: Although I've gotta say, telling a reporter his question's stupid's not like a page outta Dale Carnegie or anything.

Josh: Thank you.

Toby: What's the problem?

Sam: You're not gonna like it.

Toby: Believe me, Sam, the only thing that could make my day worse is if Roberto Mendoza got involved.

(Sam just looks at Toby, who rolls his eyes and rubs his head.)

Scene 2

(All of the senior staff member are waiting in Mrs. Landingham's office.)

Josh, to CJ:  How's your mouth?

C.J.: Well, the swelling's gone down. On the other hand, the painkillers have worn off.

Leo: He's driving from Nova Scotia to Washington?

Sam: Yeah.

Leo: How's a person do that?

Sam: Oh, my guess is, he'll take the Trans-Canada Highway to New Brunswick, then maybe catch the 1 and take the scenic route along the coast of Maine. 95 through New Hampshire to the Mass Pike, and then cut over to the Merritt Parkway round Milford.

Toby, to Sam: Something really kinda freakish about you, ya know that?

(The President arrives.)

PRES: I'm tired, I'm cranky, and my wife's in Argentina. Let's get this over with.

(Everyone follows the President into his office, where they stand in front of him.)

PRES: What?

Leo: Mr. President, we experienced a few public relations, what's the word--

Toby: Catastrophes?

Leo: --incidents in the few hours you were away last night.

PRES: What kind of incidents?

Leo: Josh.

Josh: Yeah? Oh. First, I'm happy to tell you that the incident involving Secretary O'Leary and Congressman Wooden has been dispensed with. Though not really and I'll get to that at the end. Sam asked C.J. to move the briefing to two o'clock so that we could fold in the teachers. C.J. had emergency root canal surgery at noon and so was unable to brief.

PRES: Who did?

Josh: I did.

PRES: Oh God.

Josh: Yeah. A long story short, you're gonna be reading a bit today about your secret plan to fight inflation.

PRES: I have a secret plan to fight inflation?

Josh: No.

PRES: Why am I gonna be reading that I do?

Josh: It was suggested in the Press Room that you did.

PRES: By who?

Josh: By me.

PRES: You told the press I have a secret plan to fight inflation?

Josh: No, I did not. Let me be absolutely clear, I did not do that. Except, yes, I did that.

PRES: Josh, I'm a little confused.

Josh: Sir, there was this idiotic round robin. It was sarcastic. There's no way they didn't know that. They were just mad at me for imposing discipline and calling them stupid!

PRES: Okay, before we go on. C.J., if blood is gushing from the head wound you just received from a stampeding herd of bison, *you'll* do the press briefing.

C.J.: Yes sir.

Josh: Mr. President--

PRES: A secret plan to fight inflation.

Josh: There was no turning them back. I denied it for half an hour. They wouldn't take no for an answer.

PRES: Were you clear?

Josh: I was crystal clear. They said, "Do you think if the President has a plan to fight inflation, it's right that be keep it a secret?" I said, "Of course not!"

PRES: Are you telling me that not only did you invent a secret plan to fight inflation, but now you don't support it?

Josh, looking stunned: When you put it like that--

Toby: Mr. President, much as we'd love nothing more than to stand here and watch you beat the living crap outta Josh, there's actually a bigger fish to fry.

PRES: What did Mendoza do?

Toby: He told the Chicago Tribune that you were wrong to admonish Debbie O'Leary and make her apologize.

PRES: I didn't, he did. (points to Leo)

Leo: You told me to.

PRES: You said you were gonna fix it.

Leo: I did fix it.

PRES: It's broken again, Leo.

Toby: Frankly sir, that's 'cause your nominee for the Supreme Court's handling himself in a manner that's totally unprofessional.

PRES: We will have the first of what I think will a series of discussions about professionalism another time, Toby. Where is Mendoza?

Sam: He's on his way, sir.

PRES: Right now?

Sam: Yes, but he won't be here until the day after tomorrow.

PRES: Day after tomorrow?

Sam: Yes sir.

PRES: Is he coming in from Neptune?

Sam: He's vacationing with his wife and son, and they'd prefer to take a leisurely drive through eastern Canada and New England while stopping for some antique shopping in Connecticut. I imagine he'll take the Trans-Canada Highway, the 95--

Toby: Sam.

PRES: Okay. We will wait for Mendoza. In the meantime, C.J., you will untangle the press corps.

C.J.: Yes sir.

PRES: And we will hope that nothing happens today to make this any worse. Although I certainly wouldn't bet the house on it. That is all.

Leo: Thank you, Mr. President.

(Everyone leaves except for Josh)

Josh: Sir, I wanna tell you that I'm sorry and that this mess will be cleaned up in an adult and professional manner.

PRES: Good.

Josh: If anyone asks you, you quit smoking years ago, and the cigarette you bummed on Air Force One was for a friend.

PRES: Get out.

Josh: You bet.

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