The RG Site's West Wing Transcripts

"Post Hoc, Ergo Propter Hoc"
Transcript

Added March 9, 2001

Scene 1

(Josh comes out of his office, crowing and thrilled.)

JOSH: Victory is mine! Victory is mine! Great day in the morning people. Victory is mine!

(Donna is just arriving and is looking at him resignedly.)

DONNA: Good morning, Josh.

JOSH: I drink from the keg of glory, Donna. (He touches her shoulder) Bring me the finest muffins and bagels in all the land.

DONNA: It's gonna be an unbearable day.

(Donna hangs up her jacket while Josh throws up his arms, beats his chest and takes a bow in front of the other staffers who are clapping for him.)

Scene 2

(Toby comes out of his office and heads towards the Oval office, C.J. following him.)

TOBY: I don't understand.

C.J.: They refused.

TOBY: How did they refuse?

C.J.: They turned down. They declined the invitation.

TOBY: How does someone decline an invitation for a photo op with the president?

C.J.: I'm saying this is the kind of luck we're having.

TOBY: Because of the joke?

C.J.: Because of the joke.

(A staffer passes by them.)

STAFFER: Good morning.

TOBY: Good morning.

C.J.: Who's that?

TOBY: Who cares? We need somebody.

C.J.: You try getting his attention on this.

(They go inside the outer office of the Oval Office, into Mrs. Landingham's office. The older woman is behind her desk, working, when Toby approaches her.)

TOBY: Mrs. Landingham, does the president have free time this morning?

MRS. LANDINGHAM: The president has nothing but free time, Toby. Right now he's in the residence eating Cheerios and enjoying Regis and Kathie Lee. Should I get him for you?

TOBY: Sarcasm's a disturbing thing coming from a woman of your age, Mrs. Landingham.

MRS. LANDINGHAM: What age would that be, Toby?

TOBY: Late twenties?

MRS. LANDINGHAM: Atta boy.

(Toby opens her cookie jar and, chastised, asks her...)

TOBY: Can I have a cookie?

MRS. LANDINGHAM: No.

(Sam walks into the office and approaches Toby and Mrs. Landingham.)

SAM: Toby, they turned down our request?

TOBY: C.J.'s on it.

MRS. LANDINGHAM: Good morning, Sam.

SAM: Good morning.

MRS. LANDINGHAM: Have a cookie, Sam.

SAM: Thank you.

(Sam takes a cookie while Toby looks at Mrs. Landingham who looks right back at him, daring him to say anything about her "punishment.")

C.J.: They're issuing a press release. We're gonna be playing defense all day.

SAM: Is this really because of the joke?

C.J.: It's because of the joke.

(Josh walks in, Donna right behind him. He approaches Toby and Sam while Donna stops next to C.J.)

JOSH: Someone give me a river to forge, a serpent to slay.

C.J.: (to Donna) What's his problem?

DONNA: He's been drinking from the keg of glory. We're to bring him all the muffins and bagels in the land.

TOBY: We heard.

SAM: Good job.

JOSH: Thank you very much. C.J., they turned down the invitation?

C.J.: They declined.

(The staff heads into the Oval office, still talking.)

JOSH: What does that mean?

C.J.: It means they turned down the invitation.

JOSH: Because of the joke?

C.J.: Of course, because of the joke. Why does everyone keep asking? As if it could be something...

Scene 3

(Donna comes upon Josh who is in the bullpen.)

DONNA: Josh.

JOSH: What do you need?

(They continue to walk through the bullpen.)

DONNA: You owe me a hundred dollars.

JOSH: For what?

DONNA: I entered you in a college football pool.

JOSH: Without telling me?

DONNA: Well, it's kind of a surprise.

JOSH: How did I do?

DONNA: You lost a hundred dollars.

JOSH: On who?

DONNA: On Central Indiana State.

JOSH: What was the line?

DONNA: It wasn't really that kind of a pool.

JOSH: What kind of a pool was it?

DONNA: You just pick the winner.

JOSH: You picked Central Indiana State?

DONNA: The Fighting Okies.

JOSH: Who are they playing?

DONNA: Notre Dame.

(They're in the hallway and Josh stops walking and turns to Donna.)

JOSH: You picked Central Indiana State against Notre Dame?

DONNA: Well, technically, you did.

(Donna turns around and leaves while Josh catches a just passing by Toby's attention.)

Scene 4

(Josh stops and gets coffee, Sam comes upon him.)

JOSH: Did you need me?

SAM: I'm sorry?

JOSH: Didn't you come to see me?

SAM: I was just stretching my legs.

JOSH: Oh.

(They make their way into Josh's office.)

SAM: I'm supposed to be working on the Hilton Head draft right now, and I am, but I'm just stretching my legs.

JOSH: Okay.

SAM: Last week, I was out for a late drink, and I met this woman named Laurie, and Laurie and I hit it off, and we spent the evening together back at her place, and the next day I discovered she was a call girl.

(Josh, who has been drinking his coffee, suddenly has a hard time swallowing it.)

JOSH: Sam?

SAM: Yeah?

JOSH: Do you want to maybe close the door?

SAM: Yeah.

(He closes the door.)

JOSH: You slept with a call girl?

SAM: Well no, I... well, yes. Yes I did.

JOSH: Did she know who you are?

SAM: No, I didn't reveal my secret identity, Josh.

JOSH: I'm asking some questions here.

SAM: Yes. She knows I work for the president.

JOSH: You don't think that she...

SAM: No.

JOSH: Let me finish...

SAM: No, I'm saying no, she wouldn't say anything.

JOSH: How do you know?

SAM: I know.

JOSH: How do you know?

SAM: I know.

JOSH: You want to call her again, don't you?

SAM: Look, I really like her, and she's not what you think.

JOSH: The only thing I know about her is she's a call girl. Is she a call girl?

SAM: Yes.

JOSH: Then so far she's exactly what I think.

SAM: I just think I left abruptly. I think it was rude.

JOSH: Oh, you're gonna try and reform her, aren't you?

SAM: No.

JOSH: You are.

SAM: I just didn't say a proper goodbye that, you know, shows a little respect.

JOSH: Sam...

(Josh, exasperated, runs his hand through his hair.)

SAM: You know what, you'd like her if you met her, Josh.

JOSH: You got to promise me this is never gonna happen, Sam.

(Suddenly, there's a knock on the door and it opens to reveal Donna.)

JOSH: Yes?

DONNA: You're with the energy secretary in five minutes.

JOSH: Thanks.

(She looks in curiosity at the two men.)

DONNA: What's going on?

JOSH: Nothing.

DONNA: Really?

JOSH: Yes.

DONNA: You're lying?

JOSH: Yes.

DONNA: So I should get out?

JOSH: Yes.

(Donna smiles slightly and bows out of the room, closing the door.)

JOSH: Look, whatever quest...

SAM: It's not a quest.

JOSH: Whatever. You're playing with fire here. Just talk to Toby before you do anything.

SAM: Toby?

JOSH: Yes.

SAM: There's no way that I can do this without talking to Toby?

JOSH: No.

(Josh opens the door and leaves, putting on his suit jacket as he does. He sees CJ and hollers to her.)

JOSH: Ooh! Ooh! Hang on there. C.J.! (to Sam) Just talk to Toby. Just Toby.

SAM: All right.

(On his way by, Donna hands him a file and tells him...)

DONNA: You're late.

JOSH: Thank you. C.J...

(Josh continues down the hall, talking to C.J.)

Scene 5

(Donna and Josh are walking through the bullpen. Donna has a small notebook in her hand and is checking notes in it.)

DONNA: Josh?

JOSH: Yeah.

DONNA: What do you want for the pool this Saturday?

JOSH: Another hundred bucks?

DONNA: You can't win if you don't play.

JOSH: I see it different.

DONNA: Who do you like? Rocky Mountain College or Purdue?

(Josh stops and turns to her.)

JOSH: Tell you what, can you give me Yeshiva University over the Dallas Cowboys?

(He smiles at her as she continues...)

DONNA: If you're not going to take this seriously...

(C.J. arrives and interrupts their conversation and Donna leaves.)

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