The RG Site's West Wing Transcripts

"The Crackpots and These Women"
Transcript

Added May 11, 2001

Scene 1

(Josh is walking out of his office and is surprised when Donna appears in front of him.)

DONNA: You have a staff meeting.

JOSH: That's...where I'm going.

(She walks with him as he continues down the corridor.)

DONNA: I'm just telling you.

JOSH: Yes, but you see that that's obviously where I'm going, yet you tell me anyway.

DONNA: And you don't find that adorable?

JOSH: That you seek to control me?

DONNA: Yeah?

JOSH: Love it.

DONNA: Donald hasn't called me yet.

JOSH: Who's Donald?

DONNA: Donald.

JOSH: Yes.

DONNA: From the thing?

JOSH: Right. (He stops by the coffee table, hands her the folder he is carrying which she automatically accepts, then pours himself a cup of coffee.) Can we clear up a few things about my level of interest in the revolving door of local gomers that you see, in the free time that you create by not working very hard at your job?

(He goes to reach for his folder, but Donna pulls it away and looks at him sternly.)

DONNA: Excuse me?

JOSH: You work hard at your job.

DONNA: How hard?

JOSH: Very hard.

DONNA: And I am?

JOSH: Not at all controlling.

DONNA: Thank you. You have a staff meeting. (She hands him back his folder and he turns around to continue walking down the corridor, leaving her behind.)

JOSH: On my way.

DONNA: Wait, there's another thing. (She calls to him and he stops to look back at her.)

JOSH: What?

DONNA: Hang on. (She reaches in her notebook to find a piece of paper.)

JOSH: Donna?!

DONNA: Hang on. Here it is. Leo wants you to meet someone named Lacey from the National Security Council in his office after staff.

JOSH Thank you. (Josh comes back towards her, takes the note and starts walking away again.)

DONNA: What do you think its about?

JOSH: I don't know. But this is the White House, so its probably not that important.

Scene 2

(The senior staff and some of the assistants are in the conference room, discussing one of Leo's favorite projects, "Big Block of Cheese Day" to new staff member, Mandy.)

MARGARET: We do it at the first of every month.

CATHY: We've missed a few months.

SAM: But, generally speaking, we try to do it on the first of every month.

TOBY: We've done it twice in 12 months.

SAM: We're a little behind.

MANDY: I still don't know what were talking about.

TOBY: It's "Throw Open Our Office Doors To People Who Want To Discuss Things That We Could Care Less About...Day."

MANDY: Well, that sounds goofy, doesn't it?

SAM: Its not so bad. You talk to them for a minute. Give them a souvenir pen with the presidential seal on it.

MANDY: This isn't a waste of time?

MARGARET: Oh, its definitely a waste of time, but its one of Leo's pet office policies.

MANDY: Why?

(Just then Leo enters the room.)

LEO: Good morning.

TOBY: (whispers to MANDY) Sadly you're about to find out.

LEO: Andrew Jackson, in the main foyer of his White House had a big block of cheese.

TOBY: Hmmm...

LEO: I am making a mental list of those who are snickering, and even as I speak I'm preparing appropriate retribution. (waits for a moment) The block of cheese was huge--over two tons. And it was there for any and all who might be hungry.

TOBY: Leo, wouldn't this time be better spent plotting a war against a country that can't possibly defend itself against us?

LEO: We can do that later, Toby. Right now I'm talking about President Andrew Jackson.

SAM: Actually, right now, you're talking about a big block of cheese.

LEO: And Sam goes on my list!

SAM: What about Toby? (Defensively.)

LEO: I'm unpredictable. Jackson wanted the White House to belong to the people, so from time to time, he opened his doors to those who wished an audience.

MANDY: And then he locked the doors behind them and made them eat two tons of cheese.

LEO: It is in that spirit...

SAM: (Interrupts in outrage.) Hang on. Mandy doesn't go on the list?

LEO: Mandy's new.

SAM: So its just me...on the list?

LEO: Yes. It is in the spirit of Andrew Jackson that I, from time to time, ask senior staff to have face-to-face meetings with those people representing organizations who have a difficult time getting our attention. (beat) I know the more jaded among you, see this as something rather beneath you. But I assure you that listening to the voices of passionate Americans is beneath no one, and surely not the peoples servants.

(JOSH and CJ enter the room.)

JOSH: Sorry, we're late. Is it "Total Crackpot Day" again?

LEO: Yes, it is.

SAM: And let us please note that Josh does not go on the list.

LEO: (to JOSH) Actually you've got a thing right now.

JOSH: Yeah, I know. Donna told me.

LEO: Margaret, hand out those appointments would you?

(LEO and JOSH leave the room.)

JOSH: What's up?

LEO: First of all...(smacks JOSH in the head)

JOSH: Ow!

LEO: That's for "Total Crackpot Day."

JOSH: Yeah, yeah. (laughing rulefully)

(JOSH and LEO enter the latter man's office where a man is waiting for them with a folder. He and JOSH shake hands.)

LEO: Second of all, this is Jonathan Lacey.

JOSH: Josh Lyman.

LACEY: Good to meet you. (points at the door) Mr. McGarry, would you mind?

(LEO closes the door and stands behind JOSH.)

LACEY: (to LEO) Thanks. (to JOSH) I only have a few moments. I know you're busy too.

JOSH: What can I do for you?

(LACEY opens the folder and pulls out a card, handing it to JOSH.)

LACEY: Id like you to keep this card on your person at all times. If you keep it in your wallet and you lose your wallet, your first call isn't to American Express. It's to us.

JOSH: (examining the card) Who's us?

LACEY: I'm sorry. I thought you knew. I'm from the N.S.C.

JOSH: (still examining the card) They told me that a minute...What's the card do?

LACEY: Tells you where to go in the event of a nuclear attack.

JOSH: (swiftly looks up to LACEY) You're kidding me.

LACEY: Obviously, we want to get everyone up on Air Force One or into one of the underground command centers as quickly as possible.

JOSH: Sure...well, um...Okay, I really, um, I don't know what to say.

LEO: (to LACEY) I guess that's it then?

LACEY: Should you have any questions, you should feel free to call.

JOSH: Sure. Sure...and my staff goes with me or do they have separate...?

(Silence fills the room.)

JOSH: (finally realizes what the card really means) Oh, God! Sorry...you know what? I just got it. Sorry...Ok, sure. (takes out wallet) I'm just gonna stick this right here next to my, uh, my video club membership and there's no reason, I guess, why my staff ever has to know anything about it...So there it is. (puts wallet back in pocket) And I think the best thing to do is to forget all about it. Ill go now.

(LEO opens the door, and with one last look at LACEY, JOSH leaves the room.)

Scene 3

(SAM and JOSH leave the Oval Office and head towards the Communications bullpen.)

SAM: You okay?

JOSH: Yeah.

SAM: Cause you look a little...you know...

JOSH: No. No.

(As they are walking, CATHY, SAM'S assistant, comes up behind them with her mouth full.)

SAM: Cathy?

CATHY: You know that doughnut sitting on your desk?

SAM: You ate it.

CATHY: That was predictable, wasn't it?

SAM: (whispers) Hey, is there any word yet on the...

CATHY: The things still out there.

(CATHY leaves and the two men enter SAM'S office.)

SAM: Had a guy on my office today. He'd like us to spend a little more time working on UFOs.

JOSH: Are we spending any time working on UFOs?

SAM: That's what I said.

JOSH: Cause coming off the heels of Mrs. Bartlet's Ouija board...

SAM: I hear you.

JOSH: I'm closing the door. (He closes the door)

SAM: The Central Pacific Commands been picking this thing up on radar all day.

JOSH: Sam...

SAM: Right.

JOSH: Listen, you're close with Cathy, right?

SAM: I haven't seen her naked, if that's what you're asking.

JOSH: No, God, Sam. Well, that's not what I'm asking.

SAM: I mean, she's like my younger sister, but she gets paid, and...

JOSH: Right.

SAM: And she frightens me.

JOSH: Yes.

SAM: But I love her.

JOSH: Yeah.

SAM: Its like you and Donna.

JOSH: Right. (pauses) When they gave you a card and they told you...that it was just you and not Cathy, how did you...how'd you feel about that?

SAM: When they gave me what card?

JOSH: The N.S.C. guy...the card with the directions.

SAM: The directions to...?

JOSH: You, CJ, Toby. I'm saying when the N.S.C. guy gave you your cards.

(SAM stares at JOSH uncomprehendingly.)

SAM: Josh...What card?

JOSH: (surprised as he realizes SAM really doesn't know what he's talking about) Nothing...I-I-I was thinking of a different...nothing. Nothing.

(JOSH leaves.)

Scene 4

(All of the staff members are in the room, awaiting the BARTLET'S chili, talking and celebrating the BARTLET'S youngest daughter ZOEY'S imminent departure to college. JOSH, who has been agonizing over receiving the NSA card when all of his friend's and colleagues have not, approaches LEO and the BARTLET.)

BARTLET: Josh! We've been looking for you.

CJ: (to Leo) Ill be over here.

BARTLET: Look at this, will you?

JOSH: At what sir?

BARTLET: I don't know why, but nothing makes me feel quite so good as the sight of colleagues, enjoying each other outside work.

JOSH: So, what were you guys talking about?

BARTLET: We were talking about these women.

JOSH: Yeah?

LEO: We can't get over these women.

BARTLET: Look at CJ.

(CJ is talking to DONNA and SAM.)

BARTLET: She's like a fifties movie star, so capable, so loving and energetic.

LEO: Look at Mandy over there.

(MANDY is talking to TOBY.)

LEO: Going punch for punch with Toby in a world that tells women to sit down and shut up. Mandy's already won her battle with the president. The games over, but she's not done. She wants Toby.

BARTLET: Mrs. Landingham.

(MRS. LANDINGHAM is talking to some staffers.)

BARTLET: Did you guys know she lost two sons in Vietnam? What would make her want to serve her country is beyond me, but in 14 years, she's not missed a days work, not one. (pauses) There's Cathy, Donna, and Margaret.

JOSH: Mr. President, there's something that's been bothering me for most of the day, and while I know that this is an inappropriate time...

LEO: No, what's on your mind, Josh?

JOSH: I serve at the pleasure of the president, and its a great privilege that I will never forget.

(JOSH takes out the card from his wallet, and shows it to LEO and the president.)

JOSH: I cant keep this. I think its a white flag of surrender. I want to be a comfort to my friends in tragedy. And I want to be able to celebrate with them in triumph. And for all the times in between, I just want to be able to look them in the eye. Leo, it's not for me. I want to be with my friends, my family, and these women.

(BARTLET claps JOSH on the shoulder as ZOEY and CHARLIE enter the room with the chili.)

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